Sunday, October 16, 2011

Confessions of a Drama Queen Mama... Part 2

Day 16 of NaBloWriMo (National Blog Writing Month)...

When was the first time I had to don a pair of panty hose? I must've been around the age my daughter is now. I honestly don't remember my mother showing me a technique or the finesse that is involved, but if she didn't, who did?? It's obviously not a natural-born instinct like, say, realizing the need for caffeine after a certain age. So when my girl needed to wear panty hose for her play, I reached into the depths of my brain to recall putting the fancy hosiery on for the first time so I could give her some tips...

  • #1 Sit on the floor.
  • #2 Lay the panty hose out flat in front of you with the waistband closest to you, front side facing up.
  • #3 Place your thumbs in the waistband - one thumb on either side and begin gathering/scrunching up one leg of the hose into your hands working your way to the toe careful not to twist the leg around as you go. The motion of evenly pressing on your forefinger from the thumbnail down the pad of the thumb towards the palm should accomplish the gathering motion. **NOTE** This step will require that your hands are free from callouses, hangnails, dry skin, or jagged nails which could result in snagging the stockings.
  • #4 Stick the correct foot in the toe slowly releasing the gathered material from your hands as you slide it up the leg just past the knee.
  • #5 Repeat the gathering motion with the other leg placing that foot in the toe area and then again releasing the gathered hose from your hands as you work it up that leg just past the knee.
  • #6 Stand up (without falling over from the binding constraints around your knees) and alternately move the hose gradually up the thigh of each leg and then jump up and down squirming back and forth until the remainder of the nylon fabric is securely fitted over your buttocks and cutting off your circulation at the waist. **NOTE** Be sure not to pull the fragile material too taut or this will cause a nasty run!

Congratulations!! You have just put on your first pair of panty hose!

Now, if this technique did not work for you, I have three words...spray on tan!

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